How to find quality women (or the Abundance Mentality)

----- Original Message -----

From: Dean

To: Dr Alex

Sent: Sunday, March 26, 2006 7:28 PM

Subject: Abundance Mentality

Dear Dr. Alex,

I became familiar with your work when listening to an interview you did with David De Angelo towards the end of 2005. Much more recently, I purchased your “The Tao of Dating” ebook, which I will begin reading this evening.

I don’t expect that you’ll be able to resolve the question/situation that I will pose below, but I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

For most of my life, I lived in the northeast, and worked in New York for quite a few years. Based on my experiences there, I could easily relate to your ideas on having an abundance outlook.

Two years ago, I moved to a Seattle area suburb. My day-to-day experiences here over these two years have relentlessly eroded my ability to maintain an abundance mentality. While it strikes me as unimaginable, the following statement is completely true: excluding women at work, in two years out here, the only women that I have met for whom I felt any attraction were either married or just too young (20 something)…and even these I can number on one hand.

This flies in the face of my life’s experiences, but there you have it.

I’ve always been picky when it comes to women. Quality has always been more important to me than quantity. I have considered that my perhaps-unreasonably-high physical standards say something pathological about my makeup, but that doesn’t help, as it does not lend itself in any obvious way towards a solution.

Thanks for any thoughts you might have on how I might go about finding women who I do find attractive.
-Dean-

Dean--

Thanks for writing in. Having lived in many cities small and large, I have encountered a similar challenge in the past. The solution is to expand your choice. There are two ways you can do that: internally, by changing your idea of what's attractive to you so it encompasses more people in your social circle; or externally, but expanding the social circle itself. I've found it difficult to change one's "type", so the internal method not impossible but challenging. The external method is much easier for most people but involves deliberate effort. Read the chapter on 'Do, Part I: Find' where I have some tips on finding more people -- that should give you some ideas. In the meantime, deliberate effort means exactly that: signing up for adult education classes you always wanted to but never got around to, taking those scuba lessons, making the gallery openings you hear about, and responding positively to every invitation you receive and showing up, accepting all contacts and following up with them (see "The Tao of Social Networking" -- it's all about that).

Hope this helps,

Dr Alex

Question from a woman: picking the wrong men

----- Original Message -----
From: Susan
Sent: Monday, March 20, 2006 1:04 PM
Hi there,
Would your book be helpful for a woman to read? I seem to attract relationships with wifebeaters, dopeheads and binge drinkers!!!
They all seem so charming and normal to start with. Is it just me?
Regards, Susan

Thanks for writing in, Susan.
Many of the principles in the book are useful regardless of gender. However, I'd encourage you to wait for the women's version.
These rogues that are waltzing into your life sometimes project a natural attractiveness about them. Your job is to realize that attraction happens at an unconscious level and then do your due diligence in figuring out whether they are actually good for you or not. So in that sense -- yes, you have been and will be fully responsible for all of the decisions you have made. Now that you know you have the power, it's time for you to make better decisions.
I also suspect that you are meeting these men in public places, versus through friends and family. When a man is introduced to you via a trusted source, it's much easier to get a back story on him and much harder for him to behave irresponsibly.
All the best,
Dr Alex

What to do not to get the girl

From: dustin

Subject: help me

Hi am currently just became friends with this girl that is very beautiful on the outside and on the inside and she thinks i am very nice guy. But she first wants us to be friends and because she got out of a relationship about 2 months ago that was bad. I just want to be that mr. right for her. and if you can give me some tips on going in the right direction with this relationship. Also i need some dos and donts in starting a relationship. Because my previous relationship usually crashed and burned at the begining. So please help me!!!

Dustin--

Thanks for writing in. Whatever you do, please don't try to be 'that Mr Right' for her. That is a complete abdication of your personal power and choice. Rather, think about how *she* fits in your needs and desires when it comes to your relationships with women. Is she good enough for you? And is 'just friends' for an indefinite time something you're willing to settle for? I certainly hope not. I would recommend that you go get a bunch of dates with several other women, since it seems as if you're somewhat stuck on this one. Hanging with other women will make you a lot more effective with this one, too. Think abundance -- thousands and thousands of women out there who'd love to spend time with a nice guy like you.

All the best,

Dr Alex

The insidiousness of excuses

Hi Alex,

Maybe you can 'explain' in your next issue. Will's story is great: the presence of a woman like Maples makes you feel good, I suppose :-)
Not to downplay his 'skills' and mindset, how much does this factor weigh in: Marla was open\in to him: nice, friendly guy, talks her up. Because......... he was no 'threat'! She allowed him, cause she's not interested in older man! I guess it would have been much harder for a guy her age, particularly because her boyfriend was ready for the "kill" :-) But, now, it was just a nice, old guy, nothing to 'worry' about.
Is my assumption correct? Or would she have reacted that way to any guy, because of his attitude and 'radiance'?
-- Jacques, South Africa

Jacques--

Thanks for writing in.

The point really isn't about Marla, or results per se. Frankly, I don't really care if he married her right on the spot or if Marla walked away. The point is that he was able to do something that previously he had thought difficult or impossible, and he did it with grace and ease and in a way that others can emulate.

Another issue is excuses. I was certain that someone would write in and say "but *that* guy could do it because he was old." The fact is, people are always making excuses. If he were young, the old guy would say that's why he could do it. If he were well-spoken, the shy guy would say well, the guy's a talker. The fact is that we're perpetually making excuses and somehow elevating (or denigrating) others to explain why they're getting results when we are not -- even if the guy describes himself as an unremarkable 60yr old. What I want is for men and women to decide once and for all that they're done with excuses and do what it takes to move out of their comfort zones and grasp what truly brings fulfillment to their lives. Make an excuse to have no more excuses and chuck 'em.

All the best,

Dr Alex

She's Back -- Now What?

----- Original Message -----
From: Spruce
To: dralex
Sent: Tuesday, March 14, 2006 1:27 PM

Hey Dr. Alex,
I have a situation here which i was wondering if you had any advice for. Over the summer i met this girl that i worked with, casey.(i was a lifeguard). She was very attractive but more than that she was nice and seemed really fun. We hit it off right away and i liked her a lot. We often flirted with each other which was kind of obvious to others.

One day one of her close friends told me that casey liked me, thought i was cute, and all that stuff. After about two months of flirting and getting to know her i asked her out. Much to my surprise she had a boyfriend. Never once did she mention him. Although she said she still wanted to hang out and such but i was a little ticked off considering we had been flirting with each other so much and seeing how she had lead me on. Well at any rate we didn't talk for a couple weaks after that until she called me. We remained friends but it just wasn't the same so we ended up losing touch with each other. I have not talked to her for about the last month or two. My phone rang the other night and you obviously don't have to guess who it was. Well she said she was just calling to say hi and also she told me that she dumped her boyfriend...and wants to hang out with me sometime. I wouldn't mind seeing her or even dating her, she is funny,cool, and outgoing which is why i liked her in the first place BUT on the other hand I don't want to waste my time with her as well.
Well if you have any comments or suggestions they would be greatly appreciated. thanks-Spruce

Good story, Spruce. Well, you're doing OK so far. First off, let's remember: she hasn't actually doneanything wrong. She didn't make any promises that she didn't deliver on. Even though it feels as if somehow you've been wronged, the fact is that you were perfectly happy to continue flirting with her and didn't ask her about her status until you asked her out. Always take responsibility for your own actions, because that's how you feel empowered in this world. Blaming others for what happens gives up all of your personal power to that person. Be an agent, not a victim.

As it stands right now, you're in the driver's seat, because she is clearly interested and has taken the initiative to call you. So all you have to do is allow her to keep on taking initiative. Give her the pleasure of chasing you. This does not mean that you should immediately turn into a wimp, declare your undying love for her and start pursuing her more than she's pursuing you -- always keep yourself a notch below her on the attraction gradient (such that she is more into you than you are into her).

I understand that you don't want to waste any time, since last time you had a case of frustrated expectations. So just structure things such that you don't waste any time. Say, "You want to hang out? Great. Where would you like to take me?" Even dial it up a little bit; if she comes up with a place, say, "Aw c'mon, you can do better than that!" Express skepticism about her motives; accuse her of being on the rebound, etc. All with good humor, of course. Frame it such that she's the pursuer and you're the prize. And have a plan B, C and D in place which are equally fun as hanging out with her. That way if she commits to plans, you're all set; and if she doesn't, you don't have to worry about it because you'll be enjoying yourself regardless.

It's unfortunate that we can't just be straightforward about things and express our true feelings for people right off the bat, but for whatever reason, this is how the mating mind is configured. Once you get to know someone better, then you can be your sweet, considerate self again.

All the best,
Dr Alex