Technique vs Attitude

From: Brian
To: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2006 9:23 AM

Hey AB,

What's shakin?... I did think of one question that I meant to ask you, and would really value your opinion on.... Do you think technique has anything to do with success with women, or can anything work as long as you have the right attitude?

Brian

Hey Brian--
Great question. One way to think about it is through the metaphor of cooking. You're in a kitchen with a pile of raw material. Technique is like the kitchen tools -- knives, pans, mixers, etc. Attitude is actual cooking skill and experience. It's easy to see that even with shoddy equipment, the guy with skill can come up with something good. It's also easy to see that even with the best tools, the guy who only has tools can botch the meal -- but he does have an outside chance of getting something right every once in a while.

Now if you bring the two together -- both the skill and the tools -- you can make magic. In mathematics, you'd say that technique is a necessary but not sufficient condition, while attitude is a sufficient condition.

So yeah, technique is the vehicle for delivering the attitude. But the attitude has to come first.

This reminds me of our new product, the Attitude Supercharger Mindtrack, the second in the Mindtrack series (the first was the Belief Supercharger). It's got two tracks, each about 15min long. In the first track, the Didactic Module, I talk about the rules and roles of right attitude like I would in a lecture setting. As a refresher, here are the Six Rules of Attitude:

1. I will not give excess importance to what others think or say (or, even better: I only give importance to what I think or say).

2. I will cue my behavior to what she does, not what she says.

3. I will positively reinforce the behaviors that I like in others and neglect the behaviors that I don’t like.

4. I’m not attached to any particular result, so I will tease and play with her just for fun.

5. I am the only person allowed to declare me a failure, and I refuse to do so.

6. I will always leave her wanting more.

In the second track, the Integrative Module, I weave all the rules and roles of attitude in a story and metaphor format with guided meditation so that it really sinks in. My clients seem to really like it. You can listen to part of the Integrative Module of the Attitude Supercharger for free by going to this page here (it's all the way at the bottom of the page): www.thetaoofdating.com/mindtrack.php

Hope this helps,
Dr Alex

What to do if you're stuck in a bar

From: Jason
To: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2006 5:31 PM
Subject: Bar scene

Hi Dr. Alex,
I was in a long-term relationship not to long ago. Now that I am over it, I would like to continue dating like I was, when I was younger... I have recently started college at a new University, so I don't know too many women. I addition to that, it seems like the only plausable time for me to meet someone is when I am out with friends, and we usually end up at the bar. So, I was curious if you could give me any advice for a non-traditional student that lives off campus, and for a guy thats trying to meet women in bars. I know that you said a bar is low on the CCC, but thats usually where I go when I am with friends. Oh, and I just started school, I was in the military for a few years. Thanks in advance.
Jason

Jason--
Thanks for writing in. Well, you're very well positioned because you're pretty young, and you've gotten a hold of this material early on. You've got all the time in the world! In the meantime, if bars are where you end up, no worries -- when the world gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Bars are an outstanding place to practice the principles, and since you already know it's not the best place to make a connection, you're not too worried about success or failure. So you can practice with total abandon and detachment from results, which paradoxically should make your results go through the roof. Treat it as an arena to hone your skills, and you'll do brilliantly.

By the way, the Three C's Jason refers to are the three criteria for an optimal venue for meeting women, as they appear in Chapter 6 of The Tao of Dating (available at www.thetaoofdating.com/order). The Three C's are:
-- Conversation-friendliness: speech is your most effective way of conveying information, and you want to be in a place where you can hear and be heard without extra effort
-- Continuity: ideally, people are going to stick around for a little while in this place, or even better, return to it regularly (e.g. think evening class)
-- Community: there's a reason for all of you to be there. The more specific the reason, the better, because the more you'll have in common just by virtue of being there.

Best,
Dr Alex