Online dating rules

From: BB
To: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Sent: Sunday, January 22, 2006 4:21 AM
Subject: What to reply to this email?

Hey Dr Alex,
Being a bit nervous approaching women in person I thought I'll give it a go on the internet and emailed a few girls. My profile there reads as

"I am the guy your mum warned you about, but we both know you never listened to her.I love being a Jerk, I can be a real asshole at times, but gimme one good reason to change. If you got issues with men, please do not message me. And yes I have nice teeth and nice shoes. I like palm reading, doing handwriting analysis and magic tricks. I got feelings and emotions too other than my hot body. Ladies, it aint gonna happen overnight, I aint FedEx!!!"

I dont even remember this girl as I emailed a lotta girls on the same day, anyway she got back to me with this reply...Should I even bother replyin to her, if yes, whats the best reply?

>Hey there,

On second thoughts maybe we may not be matched for each other. I shall just give u a few reasons to support my case:

1. To begin with, I dont think any girl would like a guy being a jerk or an asshole towards them. And don't worry I don't expect you to change. Contine being the jerk/asshole that u r!! That's the way to a woman's heart afterall!!
2. I dont know how to cook and so would not satisfy your hunger for food ( I would prefer a guy who had a hunger for me!!)
3. I do give excellent massages but only give them to non-jerks/assholes (i.e. men who actually deserve it ...so you are missing out then ) hahahah...anyway have a nice one!! Hope you find what u r looking for!

Lots of luv,

Miss X

PS. I forgot to mention but my mum warned me about u!!

AB--
I'll be the first person to tell you that I'm no expert at the whole online thing. But here are some basic ideas: incriminating yourself in any context is never a good idea, especially in a profile. And treat the whole online thing as an experiment, as in "okay, I did this, and this is the result that came from it." Then adjust your technique accordingly. For example, if you sent this profile to 10 women and of them only one responded and that response was overwhelmingly negative, perhaps it means calling yourself a "jerk" and "real asshole" is not the way to go. If you're willing to accept it all as constructive feedback (vs. success and failure, or getting the girl, or being liked or disliked), then you will get very, very good at it in short order.

One more thing: even from this distance, your profile sounds like an act you're putting on because someone told you it might work. I would suggest being yourself, because that's the only way you're going to attract the person who's going to like you for yourself (and not the act). Make sense?

All the best,
Dr Alex

A taste of my own medicine

Subject: Re: Power Attitudes for Dating (+ free new Mindtrack demo)

> Yo! I found this in my inbox and I wanted to (nit)pick out a few points:

> On 1/19/06, *Dr Alex Benzer* <dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com> wrote:
>> POWER ATTITUDES FOR DATING, F R E E DEMO OF NEW ATTITUDE SUPERCHARGER MINDTRACK, AND NEW TAO OF DATING QUESTION BLOG!
>
>> So become a giving machine. If you do it with expectation
>> of return, it doesn't work so well. If you do it because
>> the giving is its own reward, it works a lot better.
>
> You said "it doesn't work so well."
> I think it's safe to leave out the "so well" part.
> If you "give" with expectation, you're not sending out the vibes you
> should, which ultimately doesn't lead to the goal you want(in this
> case, the bartender).
>
> Also, you wrote:
>
> 'I will not give excess importance to what someone else
> thinks or says.'
>
> I think there is an even better way to phrase that:
> "I will give excess importance only to what I Myself think or say"
> Same as the above, none of the negativity.
> It stems from "you get what you focus on", and "not" focusing on
> something also means you are focusing on something.
> I mean, think NOT of a pink elephant....
>
> I just wanted to shared that :)
>
> Kind regards,
> R. B.
> NL
> --
> Think and grow rich!

That's excellent! Love it when someone feeds back my own stuff to me -- keeps me on my toes.

Yeah, it's really important to phrase things positively. You tend to get what you focus on, so focus always on what you want, as opposed to what you do not. The unconscious mind can't process a negative (as RB deftly demonstrated with the classic example of the pink elephant).

The point about giving is also spot-on. One of the most eloquent formulations of this point comes from Kahlil Gibran in the chapter 'On Giving' in his classic The Prophet (which, I've said before and I'll say again, you should read now if you haven't already). Italics mine:

Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth...

With The Tao of Dating, our ultimate goal is to get you to that point. We want to take you way past being merely attractive to the point of being radioactive -- being a radiant epicenter of joy and giving such that everyone and everything wants to be around you. Of course, at that point, you're so suffused with good feeling that you're not even concerned about who's paying attention anymore. Funny how that works.

Good stuff!
Dr Alex

Welcome to The Tao of Dating Blog

Hey there. This is Dr Alex of The Tao of Dating (www.thetaoofdating.com). I get a lot of interesting letters from my readers asking great questions and do my best to answer each one personally, but I can't help but think that the rest of my readership would also benefit from the answers to those questions. Up to now, I have included some of the really good questions in my Tao Power Dating Tips newsletter (available for free by signing up at www.thetaoofdating.com), but not all of them were fit for that format. Luckily, this blog can provide an appropriate forum for answering your questions about dating. All questions will be anonymized, of course.

Although currently only The Tao of Dating for men is available, I'm in the process of writing the version for women, and questions from both men and women are welcome. I would be particularly interested in what topics women would like to see in the upcoming book The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Woman's Guide to Romantic Fulfillment so I can tailor it specifically to your concerns. So ladies -- please let me know what's on your mind. If you do, I'll send you a preview copy of the book as soon as it's ready.

This blog will also serve as a forum for snippets of my book; new ideas; musings on male-female dynamics; gender differences and similarities; Eastern philosophy, spirituality and sexual technique; social networking; and whatever else happens to tickle our fancy at the moment. Do write in and remember: the power is within you.