Battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck

Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 1:59 AM

Subject: Question

Hallo Dr. Alex

Such good material. Sorry that I just joined you. If I knew, I could have joind you long ago. But for now Dr, a simple question here:

There is this girl in town I have been looking at for quite some time now (it's a girl, not a woman, 20 years of age or so). She looks beautiful to me in all departments e.g. behaviours, physically, mentally... yup, so to say. The problem is, this is not my home town, I only came down here for work. So, not so many people know me yet. I mean, this girl does not know me, her friends do not know me and I don't know them. I only noticed this girl and so, I started looking at her. I have not made her know that I'm interested in her. And I don't think she took notice of me because I never presented myself upon her yet.

Now, I would like to make a move for this girl. She looks mature and there for taking. Could you please advice me on how to make a move for this girl?? Your opinion and wise words would be appreciated Dr.

Avril

Avril--

Thanks for writing in. Sun Tzu says in "The Art of War" that the battle is won or lost before the first blow is struck. Seems to me that without really having spoken to this woman, you have already built her up far too much. So this battle is already lost -- if you go into it with the mindset that she's so great (do you really know that?) and somehow you must have her because she's cute and 'there for the taking.' I would recommend going out with a few other women or just speaking to this one with the aim of finding out who she is (vs impressing her, or trying to pull off some trick to 'get' her). Once you want her less and know here more, you'll be in a much better position.

All the best,

Dr Alex

Grasping opportunities and the power of alone time

Dear Dr. Alex,

I had an interesting day yesterday. In preparing to summit Mt. Rainier in September, I had planned a rigorous hike. I realized at the last minute, though, that I needed to get a new annual northwest forest permit in order to park at the intended trail head, so I made a small detour to REI to purchase the permit. While there, I noticed an attractive woman in line (a different queue than the one I was in). After picking up my permit, I got some needed information regarding GPS units, and then headed for the door. The timing was such that the woman I mentioned above got there first, and held the door for me. Other than saying, “thank you”, though, I couldn’t think of a conversation starter. While I have come up with one or two since then, this particular potential opportunity vanished as we went our separate ways. Of course, I haven’t a clue as to whether she was single or not, or attached, etc., but at this point I’ll never know.

What would you have done?

The hike was everything that I had expected and, with considerable snow on most of the trail, a bit more. Still, I needed this solitary hike for several reasons, and was glad to have pushed through. Yesterday evening, at home following the trek, I read “Be, Part II: Attitudes” in “The Tao of Dating”, and the final section, “Your own rite of passage” struck me, especially the sentence, “No phone, no email – just commune with yourself.” That pretty much described my day.

While I will likely have company for many of the hikes that I will use for conditioning for Mt. Rainier, I also envision more solitary climbs as well, and will treat all of them as rites of passage.

I look forward to hearing from you.

-Dean-

Thanks for sharing that, Dean, and I'm glad that you wrote in. Fortuitously, I was just taking a break from writing the new Mindtrack, the Meeting Maximizer, so I was thinking about such things.

The answer to your question is that no one grasps 100% of the opportunities that present themselves, so no sense beating ourselves up over it. In the meantime, you did the right thing by going home and thinking about how you'd handle the situation differently in the future. My recommendation in these situations is to say anything -- it almost doesn't matter what. If she's at all interested, she'll pick up the ball and run with it; and even if she doesn't, you've just initiated the interaction and bought some time. Women, if even remotely interested, are much more accommodating and forgiving of our attempts at wit than we tend to give them credit for. Give them a chance to express their interest by opening the repartee at the very least -- she'll thank you for it.

In the end, it's about training. If you have a few stock responses ready for situations like this, then they'll come out even if you can't think of anything clever to say (e.g. if a woman holds a door open, say "How very gentlemanly of you" or something like that). You don't need a thousand of them -- just two or three passably good ones should suffice. In the meantime, instead of mourning the lost opportunity ("oh no, she's gone") and affirming scarcity, express gratitude that someone like her waltzed into your life, albeit briefly, brightening your day, and there will be many more like her to to come (i.e. abundance).

All the best,

Dr Alex

Dating a divorced woman

Ok...the problem is that this girl was married and has a son. I don't know how long ago her marriage ended, but it seems that she's trying to build up her love life again. She is very nice and I feel I'm doing all the right things. I'm laid back, I'm leading, teasing her, being warm but not complying... and I feel I'm building up solid attraction. But for some reason my instinct senses the presence of her husband...we haven't had sex yet although we've slept in the same bed (we've been dating a month so far). I feel that she needs to feel safe around me and also that she feels a strong moral responsibility towards hed son. And I understand... But being understanding can lead towards being too nice...and this is is not the way...she's a woman and even though it's reductionistic to generalize, I feel that I must trust my knowledge about female psychology and behaviour. What do you suggest my approach should be at this stage? Thank you in advance F.

Hmm. Very interesting.
I'm not privy to the entire story here, but in my opinion, if a woman sleeps with you in the same bed more than once and no sexual activity happens, something is not quite right, and you may not necessarily want to find out why. There are special cases, of course, but the sexual response is one of our most powerful, biologically-determined instincts, and for someone to suppress it that long must mean that either a) she's not that into you or b) there are some iceberg-sized trust issues that you (or anyone else) don't want to mess with. Either way, it means "run". If I were in your position, I would ask myself, "Am I getting what I want out of this, or am I just being strung along?" It's all about fulfillment, my friend, so if a month-long case of testicular venous congestion is your idea of fun, by all means, go ahead. If it were me, I would not let her have any more sleepovers until she makes it perfectly clear what she wants and where she stands.
I also want you to look back on the times when you really did have solid attraction with a woman. Do you remember how she couldn't take her eyes off you, had her hands all over you and generally just wanted to be around you and physically interact with you? Did you have to think about whether you had attraction, or did you know beyond a shadow of a doubt? Sometimes we have the answers but we forget to trust ourselves. Compare this picture to other ones from the past, and you'll know where you stand.

All the best,
Dr Alex

How to find quality women (or the Abundance Mentality)

----- Original Message -----

From: Dean

To: Dr Alex

Sent: Sunday, March 26, 2006 7:28 PM

Subject: Abundance Mentality

Dear Dr. Alex,

I became familiar with your work when listening to an interview you did with David De Angelo towards the end of 2005. Much more recently, I purchased your “The Tao of Dating” ebook, which I will begin reading this evening.

I don’t expect that you’ll be able to resolve the question/situation that I will pose below, but I am interested in hearing your thoughts.

For most of my life, I lived in the northeast, and worked in New York for quite a few years. Based on my experiences there, I could easily relate to your ideas on having an abundance outlook.

Two years ago, I moved to a Seattle area suburb. My day-to-day experiences here over these two years have relentlessly eroded my ability to maintain an abundance mentality. While it strikes me as unimaginable, the following statement is completely true: excluding women at work, in two years out here, the only women that I have met for whom I felt any attraction were either married or just too young (20 something)…and even these I can number on one hand.

This flies in the face of my life’s experiences, but there you have it.

I’ve always been picky when it comes to women. Quality has always been more important to me than quantity. I have considered that my perhaps-unreasonably-high physical standards say something pathological about my makeup, but that doesn’t help, as it does not lend itself in any obvious way towards a solution.

Thanks for any thoughts you might have on how I might go about finding women who I do find attractive.
-Dean-

Dean--

Thanks for writing in. Having lived in many cities small and large, I have encountered a similar challenge in the past. The solution is to expand your choice. There are two ways you can do that: internally, by changing your idea of what's attractive to you so it encompasses more people in your social circle; or externally, but expanding the social circle itself. I've found it difficult to change one's "type", so the internal method not impossible but challenging. The external method is much easier for most people but involves deliberate effort. Read the chapter on 'Do, Part I: Find' where I have some tips on finding more people -- that should give you some ideas. In the meantime, deliberate effort means exactly that: signing up for adult education classes you always wanted to but never got around to, taking those scuba lessons, making the gallery openings you hear about, and responding positively to every invitation you receive and showing up, accepting all contacts and following up with them (see "The Tao of Social Networking" -- it's all about that).

Hope this helps,

Dr Alex

Question from a woman: picking the wrong men

----- Original Message -----
From: Susan
Sent: Monday, March 20, 2006 1:04 PM
Hi there,
Would your book be helpful for a woman to read? I seem to attract relationships with wifebeaters, dopeheads and binge drinkers!!!
They all seem so charming and normal to start with. Is it just me?
Regards, Susan

Thanks for writing in, Susan.
Many of the principles in the book are useful regardless of gender. However, I'd encourage you to wait for the women's version.
These rogues that are waltzing into your life sometimes project a natural attractiveness about them. Your job is to realize that attraction happens at an unconscious level and then do your due diligence in figuring out whether they are actually good for you or not. So in that sense -- yes, you have been and will be fully responsible for all of the decisions you have made. Now that you know you have the power, it's time for you to make better decisions.
I also suspect that you are meeting these men in public places, versus through friends and family. When a man is introduced to you via a trusted source, it's much easier to get a back story on him and much harder for him to behave irresponsibly.
All the best,
Dr Alex

What to do not to get the girl

From: dustin

Subject: help me

Hi am currently just became friends with this girl that is very beautiful on the outside and on the inside and she thinks i am very nice guy. But she first wants us to be friends and because she got out of a relationship about 2 months ago that was bad. I just want to be that mr. right for her. and if you can give me some tips on going in the right direction with this relationship. Also i need some dos and donts in starting a relationship. Because my previous relationship usually crashed and burned at the begining. So please help me!!!

Dustin--

Thanks for writing in. Whatever you do, please don't try to be 'that Mr Right' for her. That is a complete abdication of your personal power and choice. Rather, think about how *she* fits in your needs and desires when it comes to your relationships with women. Is she good enough for you? And is 'just friends' for an indefinite time something you're willing to settle for? I certainly hope not. I would recommend that you go get a bunch of dates with several other women, since it seems as if you're somewhat stuck on this one. Hanging with other women will make you a lot more effective with this one, too. Think abundance -- thousands and thousands of women out there who'd love to spend time with a nice guy like you.

All the best,

Dr Alex

The insidiousness of excuses

Hi Alex,

Maybe you can 'explain' in your next issue. Will's story is great: the presence of a woman like Maples makes you feel good, I suppose :-)
Not to downplay his 'skills' and mindset, how much does this factor weigh in: Marla was open\in to him: nice, friendly guy, talks her up. Because......... he was no 'threat'! She allowed him, cause she's not interested in older man! I guess it would have been much harder for a guy her age, particularly because her boyfriend was ready for the "kill" :-) But, now, it was just a nice, old guy, nothing to 'worry' about.
Is my assumption correct? Or would she have reacted that way to any guy, because of his attitude and 'radiance'?
-- Jacques, South Africa

Jacques--

Thanks for writing in.

The point really isn't about Marla, or results per se. Frankly, I don't really care if he married her right on the spot or if Marla walked away. The point is that he was able to do something that previously he had thought difficult or impossible, and he did it with grace and ease and in a way that others can emulate.

Another issue is excuses. I was certain that someone would write in and say "but *that* guy could do it because he was old." The fact is, people are always making excuses. If he were young, the old guy would say that's why he could do it. If he were well-spoken, the shy guy would say well, the guy's a talker. The fact is that we're perpetually making excuses and somehow elevating (or denigrating) others to explain why they're getting results when we are not -- even if the guy describes himself as an unremarkable 60yr old. What I want is for men and women to decide once and for all that they're done with excuses and do what it takes to move out of their comfort zones and grasp what truly brings fulfillment to their lives. Make an excuse to have no more excuses and chuck 'em.

All the best,

Dr Alex

She's Back -- Now What?

----- Original Message -----
From: Spruce
To: dralex
Sent: Tuesday, March 14, 2006 1:27 PM

Hey Dr. Alex,
I have a situation here which i was wondering if you had any advice for. Over the summer i met this girl that i worked with, casey.(i was a lifeguard). She was very attractive but more than that she was nice and seemed really fun. We hit it off right away and i liked her a lot. We often flirted with each other which was kind of obvious to others.

One day one of her close friends told me that casey liked me, thought i was cute, and all that stuff. After about two months of flirting and getting to know her i asked her out. Much to my surprise she had a boyfriend. Never once did she mention him. Although she said she still wanted to hang out and such but i was a little ticked off considering we had been flirting with each other so much and seeing how she had lead me on. Well at any rate we didn't talk for a couple weaks after that until she called me. We remained friends but it just wasn't the same so we ended up losing touch with each other. I have not talked to her for about the last month or two. My phone rang the other night and you obviously don't have to guess who it was. Well she said she was just calling to say hi and also she told me that she dumped her boyfriend...and wants to hang out with me sometime. I wouldn't mind seeing her or even dating her, she is funny,cool, and outgoing which is why i liked her in the first place BUT on the other hand I don't want to waste my time with her as well.
Well if you have any comments or suggestions they would be greatly appreciated. thanks-Spruce

Good story, Spruce. Well, you're doing OK so far. First off, let's remember: she hasn't actually doneanything wrong. She didn't make any promises that she didn't deliver on. Even though it feels as if somehow you've been wronged, the fact is that you were perfectly happy to continue flirting with her and didn't ask her about her status until you asked her out. Always take responsibility for your own actions, because that's how you feel empowered in this world. Blaming others for what happens gives up all of your personal power to that person. Be an agent, not a victim.

As it stands right now, you're in the driver's seat, because she is clearly interested and has taken the initiative to call you. So all you have to do is allow her to keep on taking initiative. Give her the pleasure of chasing you. This does not mean that you should immediately turn into a wimp, declare your undying love for her and start pursuing her more than she's pursuing you -- always keep yourself a notch below her on the attraction gradient (such that she is more into you than you are into her).

I understand that you don't want to waste any time, since last time you had a case of frustrated expectations. So just structure things such that you don't waste any time. Say, "You want to hang out? Great. Where would you like to take me?" Even dial it up a little bit; if she comes up with a place, say, "Aw c'mon, you can do better than that!" Express skepticism about her motives; accuse her of being on the rebound, etc. All with good humor, of course. Frame it such that she's the pursuer and you're the prize. And have a plan B, C and D in place which are equally fun as hanging out with her. That way if she commits to plans, you're all set; and if she doesn't, you don't have to worry about it because you'll be enjoying yourself regardless.

It's unfortunate that we can't just be straightforward about things and express our true feelings for people right off the bat, but for whatever reason, this is how the mating mind is configured. Once you get to know someone better, then you can be your sweet, considerate self again.

All the best,
Dr Alex

Technique vs Attitude

From: Brian
To: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Sent: Tuesday, January 31, 2006 9:23 AM

Hey AB,

What's shakin?... I did think of one question that I meant to ask you, and would really value your opinion on.... Do you think technique has anything to do with success with women, or can anything work as long as you have the right attitude?

Brian

Hey Brian--
Great question. One way to think about it is through the metaphor of cooking. You're in a kitchen with a pile of raw material. Technique is like the kitchen tools -- knives, pans, mixers, etc. Attitude is actual cooking skill and experience. It's easy to see that even with shoddy equipment, the guy with skill can come up with something good. It's also easy to see that even with the best tools, the guy who only has tools can botch the meal -- but he does have an outside chance of getting something right every once in a while.

Now if you bring the two together -- both the skill and the tools -- you can make magic. In mathematics, you'd say that technique is a necessary but not sufficient condition, while attitude is a sufficient condition.

So yeah, technique is the vehicle for delivering the attitude. But the attitude has to come first.

This reminds me of our new product, the Attitude Supercharger Mindtrack, the second in the Mindtrack series (the first was the Belief Supercharger). It's got two tracks, each about 15min long. In the first track, the Didactic Module, I talk about the rules and roles of right attitude like I would in a lecture setting. As a refresher, here are the Six Rules of Attitude:

1. I will not give excess importance to what others think or say (or, even better: I only give importance to what I think or say).

2. I will cue my behavior to what she does, not what she says.

3. I will positively reinforce the behaviors that I like in others and neglect the behaviors that I don’t like.

4. I’m not attached to any particular result, so I will tease and play with her just for fun.

5. I am the only person allowed to declare me a failure, and I refuse to do so.

6. I will always leave her wanting more.

In the second track, the Integrative Module, I weave all the rules and roles of attitude in a story and metaphor format with guided meditation so that it really sinks in. My clients seem to really like it. You can listen to part of the Integrative Module of the Attitude Supercharger for free by going to this page here (it's all the way at the bottom of the page): www.thetaoofdating.com/mindtrack.php

Hope this helps,
Dr Alex

What to do if you're stuck in a bar

From: Jason
To: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Sent: Wednesday, February 01, 2006 5:31 PM
Subject: Bar scene

Hi Dr. Alex,
I was in a long-term relationship not to long ago. Now that I am over it, I would like to continue dating like I was, when I was younger... I have recently started college at a new University, so I don't know too many women. I addition to that, it seems like the only plausable time for me to meet someone is when I am out with friends, and we usually end up at the bar. So, I was curious if you could give me any advice for a non-traditional student that lives off campus, and for a guy thats trying to meet women in bars. I know that you said a bar is low on the CCC, but thats usually where I go when I am with friends. Oh, and I just started school, I was in the military for a few years. Thanks in advance.
Jason

Jason--
Thanks for writing in. Well, you're very well positioned because you're pretty young, and you've gotten a hold of this material early on. You've got all the time in the world! In the meantime, if bars are where you end up, no worries -- when the world gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Bars are an outstanding place to practice the principles, and since you already know it's not the best place to make a connection, you're not too worried about success or failure. So you can practice with total abandon and detachment from results, which paradoxically should make your results go through the roof. Treat it as an arena to hone your skills, and you'll do brilliantly.

By the way, the Three C's Jason refers to are the three criteria for an optimal venue for meeting women, as they appear in Chapter 6 of The Tao of Dating (available at www.thetaoofdating.com/order). The Three C's are:
-- Conversation-friendliness: speech is your most effective way of conveying information, and you want to be in a place where you can hear and be heard without extra effort
-- Continuity: ideally, people are going to stick around for a little while in this place, or even better, return to it regularly (e.g. think evening class)
-- Community: there's a reason for all of you to be there. The more specific the reason, the better, because the more you'll have in common just by virtue of being there.

Best,
Dr Alex

Online dating rules

From: BB
To: dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com
Sent: Sunday, January 22, 2006 4:21 AM
Subject: What to reply to this email?

Hey Dr Alex,
Being a bit nervous approaching women in person I thought I'll give it a go on the internet and emailed a few girls. My profile there reads as

"I am the guy your mum warned you about, but we both know you never listened to her.I love being a Jerk, I can be a real asshole at times, but gimme one good reason to change. If you got issues with men, please do not message me. And yes I have nice teeth and nice shoes. I like palm reading, doing handwriting analysis and magic tricks. I got feelings and emotions too other than my hot body. Ladies, it aint gonna happen overnight, I aint FedEx!!!"

I dont even remember this girl as I emailed a lotta girls on the same day, anyway she got back to me with this reply...Should I even bother replyin to her, if yes, whats the best reply?

>Hey there,

On second thoughts maybe we may not be matched for each other. I shall just give u a few reasons to support my case:

1. To begin with, I dont think any girl would like a guy being a jerk or an asshole towards them. And don't worry I don't expect you to change. Contine being the jerk/asshole that u r!! That's the way to a woman's heart afterall!!
2. I dont know how to cook and so would not satisfy your hunger for food ( I would prefer a guy who had a hunger for me!!)
3. I do give excellent massages but only give them to non-jerks/assholes (i.e. men who actually deserve it ...so you are missing out then ) hahahah...anyway have a nice one!! Hope you find what u r looking for!

Lots of luv,

Miss X

PS. I forgot to mention but my mum warned me about u!!

AB--
I'll be the first person to tell you that I'm no expert at the whole online thing. But here are some basic ideas: incriminating yourself in any context is never a good idea, especially in a profile. And treat the whole online thing as an experiment, as in "okay, I did this, and this is the result that came from it." Then adjust your technique accordingly. For example, if you sent this profile to 10 women and of them only one responded and that response was overwhelmingly negative, perhaps it means calling yourself a "jerk" and "real asshole" is not the way to go. If you're willing to accept it all as constructive feedback (vs. success and failure, or getting the girl, or being liked or disliked), then you will get very, very good at it in short order.

One more thing: even from this distance, your profile sounds like an act you're putting on because someone told you it might work. I would suggest being yourself, because that's the only way you're going to attract the person who's going to like you for yourself (and not the act). Make sense?

All the best,
Dr Alex

A taste of my own medicine

Subject: Re: Power Attitudes for Dating (+ free new Mindtrack demo)

> Yo! I found this in my inbox and I wanted to (nit)pick out a few points:

> On 1/19/06, *Dr Alex Benzer* <dralex(at)thetaoofdating.com> wrote:
>> POWER ATTITUDES FOR DATING, F R E E DEMO OF NEW ATTITUDE SUPERCHARGER MINDTRACK, AND NEW TAO OF DATING QUESTION BLOG!
>
>> So become a giving machine. If you do it with expectation
>> of return, it doesn't work so well. If you do it because
>> the giving is its own reward, it works a lot better.
>
> You said "it doesn't work so well."
> I think it's safe to leave out the "so well" part.
> If you "give" with expectation, you're not sending out the vibes you
> should, which ultimately doesn't lead to the goal you want(in this
> case, the bartender).
>
> Also, you wrote:
>
> 'I will not give excess importance to what someone else
> thinks or says.'
>
> I think there is an even better way to phrase that:
> "I will give excess importance only to what I Myself think or say"
> Same as the above, none of the negativity.
> It stems from "you get what you focus on", and "not" focusing on
> something also means you are focusing on something.
> I mean, think NOT of a pink elephant....
>
> I just wanted to shared that :)
>
> Kind regards,
> R. B.
> NL
> --
> Think and grow rich!

That's excellent! Love it when someone feeds back my own stuff to me -- keeps me on my toes.

Yeah, it's really important to phrase things positively. You tend to get what you focus on, so focus always on what you want, as opposed to what you do not. The unconscious mind can't process a negative (as RB deftly demonstrated with the classic example of the pink elephant).

The point about giving is also spot-on. One of the most eloquent formulations of this point comes from Kahlil Gibran in the chapter 'On Giving' in his classic The Prophet (which, I've said before and I'll say again, you should read now if you haven't already). Italics mine:

Then said a rich man, "Speak to us of Giving."

And he answered:

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?

Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.

These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.

And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;

They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth...

With The Tao of Dating, our ultimate goal is to get you to that point. We want to take you way past being merely attractive to the point of being radioactive -- being a radiant epicenter of joy and giving such that everyone and everything wants to be around you. Of course, at that point, you're so suffused with good feeling that you're not even concerned about who's paying attention anymore. Funny how that works.

Good stuff!
Dr Alex